This year is different.

This is the time of year when I usually lock myself away and dig through all of those scraps of paper and end up drowning myself in the memories of my Mom and “what I could have done” to have her here with me now. Over the years many of you (my friends) have invited me to spend the holidays with you, and have graciously accepted the lame excuses I came up with (while silently shaking your heads and mentally shaking me as well). I love you all for trying and for accepting that I was just not ready.

You see, I have not celebrated the holidays in a long time. I don’t mean the “commercial” version of the holidays where you decorate and buy presents; I am too lazy and stingy with my money for all that. I am referring to the part where you enjoy family and friends and remember to be thankful for everything you have, because let’s admit it…most of the time we forget that and concentrate on what we don’t have or what we need just to survive.

My past adult life (although a path of my choosing) was not an easy one and I turned off many of those emotions which make us truly compassionate and caring people. When I got my life back together I never turned those back on, till I found my Mom. See, I had lost contact with her and had not heard from her in about 3years. Then after only about 2 short years, I lost her for good when she passed away.

I felt something inside me go out that day, I became even more reclusive than before and not just during this time of year although the holidays are a huge trigger for me to be an emotional wreck (yes, I already know that some of this is due to guilt). Her birthday was Dec 27^th.  While she was not my only “living” family member – she really was – I am sure most of (if not all) you understand my meaning.

Which brings me back to my reason for posting this in the first place, this year is different.

Right about this time last year I was reconnected with my “second father and mother” thru Facebook.  When I was growing up my parents best friends were the “second parents”. The ones who helped raise me, love me, scold me and encourage me. As happens with military families the “family” was split up when they got reassigned. It turns out they have been trying to find us ever since they got back to the states.

Now I am not a “religious’ person, but I do believe in the power of energy and love. Here is why I say this, they found me right about the same time as the 3yr anniversary of my mother’s death. I believe that there is a reason that we were connected by the universe then.  I have a family again, and I think that is what she wanted, for someone to watch over her little girl and for her best friends to know that they have me as well.

They have shown me love and have accepted all of the things I have done and been through as part of my past and love me anyway. My life is a mess right now and they remind me to be strong and that there are still things to enjoy.

So this year, thanks to their love and the love of all of you who have been there with the love and invitations over the years, patiently waiting for my heart to thaw..This year is different.

This year, I will not be locked in my house with paper, boxes and memories. This year I will be surrounded warmth, the love of my mother, and family. And I will be creating some new memories.

To all of you, have a fantabulous holiday season surrounded by those you love. I hope that the glow that comes from your soul outshines any gift you may receive.